Some days I have the urge to just cry. The stress and emmotions of my hospital visit amd the changes Ive had to make have become more burdensome than I thought. I keep going because I want to but I never thought I could feel so out of sorts doing so.
I appreciate my sister who has helped me change. She has supported me this past year (and in previous years) more than I thought I needed. I never realized just how much 'outside my marriage' love I need until now.
In the past I had convinced myself to practically starve and push my body to the absolute limit in excersize. To the point I would spent nearly 10+ hours a week at the gym on any available machine or in classes to get that fix I needed to feel better about myself. If I wasnt literally showered in my own sweat, it wasnt good enough. It worked-for awhile. Once I no longer did it (or even slowed down) it would come right back 2 fold.
Whats the difference now? To most everyone my experience is piddly, not a problem at all. After all its extremely common. When I was experiencing chest pain, I knew I had high blood pressure. I too thought it was nothing. At Dennis insistence, I was checked in and they thought I was having a heart attack.
My feelings immediately erupted. I laid there on the bed thinking I was going to die. Never before in my life did I honestly think I was going to die (without doing it myself). I prayed there, with all my heart asking for some intervention to help me sort out my feelings. I realized at that moment for the first time ever in my life- I wanted to live. I sat there and thought not of my past but my future of what I want to do with my family, what I want with myself. Its crazy that I had to have sevre blood preasure and so much stress that it literally nearly gave me a heart attack.
What has changed in me? I have livened up a Get Healthy group on facebook as a resolve to be the person or friend I wish I had here, locally. I joined a direct practice health care. My doctor has been very helpful in keeping everything in perspective. She is very kind and a lot more patient with me than any other doctor I've ever seen.
I take it one day at a time. I work on today and try to look forward to tomorrow. I try not to say anything negitive. I say "hi" to everyone I recognize. Even people I know wont respond or I dislike. I TRY to be or do things that help me be happy.
Yes, I've changed my diet. I avoid caffeine and soda as I can. I don't eliminate it completely though. I drink it as a dessert or a rare item. Like its too expensive to purchase kind of rare. I eat by servings in food groups. I actually stick to it as best I can. I also chug water as much as possible. This helps me actually get to 60ish oz of water daily. I don't look at the scale. Thats not what this is about. Its about me feeling and being betternot my weight. Yes that weight loss os a perk and needed. Which is why I only let my doctor tell me that number.
What have I noticed? Its working. Its easier to say no to everything I don't need when Ive had a balanced meal in the allowed sodium count. I work out a few times a week and never at a gym. I do a dvd, yoga or my Ab Circle Pro machine. I do it gradually and only when I can. I only force myself when I havent done it in a few days and feel lazy-but never when I'm actually sick.
Take it one day at a time. Enjoy life and be truly happy.
