Dennis and I met in February of 2007 and we married at the end of September of the same year. To say our courtship was quick is an understatement to the worlds standards, but is typical in our church.
We found out I was pregnant with Luke in May 2008. Meaning we had 8 months of marriage before our lives revolved around Luke, and 6 years years later our children. Yes, even when I was pregnant it revolved around Luke. Our lives consumed with things such as our health, getting enough to eat, taking the right medication, activities I should and shouldn't do, and work to pay for his needs, just to say the least.
Without realizing it somewhere along the way we changed. It makes sense looking back. Dennis became a father, I became a mother. Our individual worries changed, our desires changed with Lukes birth. My girly-girl personality became adaptable to more boy-ish things of Luke interests.
As the years went by going out with each other slowly became a thing of the past. Dennis got laid off just two months after Luke was born so paying the bills became the first priority.
All the sudden I had a favorite super-hero, my dinner choices suddenly became the ones he preferred, my favorite color changed to his, the music in my car was child orientated and my movie of choice was as well. This meme basically summed up our lives.
I realized I lost myself. I forgot who I was. You know all the advice you get as a new mom. Stuff like, "don't forget to take time for yourself" or "take time for each other." I always told myself before I had kids, "whenever i'm a parent I will never do...(fill in the blank)." I became the one who I said I wouldn't become. I started to work out, dieting, be more girly, to try and become the woman I was, the old me before children. All efforts have failed. Working out wasn't fun anymore. Dieting and making multiple meals at each meal time was too much work. Trying to become who I was became extremely depressing. I felt I was throwing the little money we had away. So I stopped and in a way I haven't begun again.
Having his parents around is good though. We gave them their first grandchild and they love doting on him. They have made it a lot easier to focus on our marriage and each others needs.
Dating Dennis again is nice. We struggle on topics other then our children. It seems that our interests are too far apart to really stay on one topic. We try very hard to show interest in each others hobbies and such but our hobbies just don't exist in our lives right now. We don't have time for them. Our views are either too similar or too far apart. Comfortable silence has become the 'norm' on our dates.
This is frustrating to me. I love to talk. I am initially shy at first but when I am comfortable with someone I just can't 'shut up.' I am very detail oriented. This bugs Dennis as he likes to just stick to the absolute necessary then move on. I'm good at telling stories because I am so detailed orientated.
I was searching Google for help on breaking the silence between us when I came across a website that struck something in me. I don't remember the exact verbiage. What I do remember is what I took from it. Marriage, children, time, situations all change. In turn it changes you. When you change it technically makes a new you. A you, you've never before been. When I tried becoming the woman I used to be, I was dooming myself to failure. What I needed to do was get to know the new me.
The old me is gone and will always remain that way. The old me hated reading, hated music other than country and 'dance/hip hop'. My favorite color was pink and I loved all things girly. Nails, hair, make up. I loved the outdoors, camping and spending time in nature. At one small point in my life I didn't want to get married or even have children.
Its interesting to know that my kids figured this out before me. I was talking to Luke about trying hard at school even though you don't want to. I explained that reading/english wasn't my favorite either in school. He was literally shocked, "but you read a lot!" I guess they have always known the person I am now.
The past year I have spent significant time getting to know me. I guess I will spend the rest of my life getting to know the new me. I don't mind reading, my music has expanded to Dennis' preference of classic rock music, and I am obviously happily married and enjoy my children. While our money is extremely limited on funds, I still have a strong passion for all things girly. I think its even worse, now more than ever, with Amy who is the same way right now. I enjoy comic book, some sci-fi and drama movies. My favorite colors are now pink and red. I'm crafty and thrifty but don't like spending significant time of it. I love photography and art. I am passionate and strong willed. I do love nature but the closest thing I want about camping is a cabin/lodge or hotel. I hope to never again forget to always keep getting know who I, Dennis and my kids really are.
That's all for this post.
Love ya,
S
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